Two Dogs

Little Drummer Boy

2011-12-21T12:40:00.000-08:00

Its at this time of year my thoughts start to turn to...well Huddersfield!....For back in 1977, I decided to forego my Christmas Dinner in the forlorn hope of gatecrashing the Sex Pistols Christmas Day bash in Ivanhoes Club,Hudddersfield.We arrived there early enough to be able to walk in the place and witness the carnage that was the aftermath of the Firemans kids party.Ever the oppportunists we decided it would be a good idea to hide in the toilets.Never get found in there would we?...We were turfed out within the hour with the promise of tickets if we waited for a roadie to appear.The roadie duly appeared but wanted £3 for a £1.75 ticket.For some reason he didn't want paying for mine,so I guess mine was a freebie.Maybe I was on the guest list!

We started out in the balcony,great view but no blood sweat and tears.So I went downstairs alone.After about 10 minutes I was within touching distance of the stage, right in the middle.This was an art perfected at Clash gigs in Erics Club,Liverpool.The gig came and went with God Save The Queen at both ends.I was quite an air drummer at this time so I decided to chance my arm and jump on stage at the end and grab the last two sticks on Paul Cooks kit.Got them too! But not being satisfied, I stopped to ask John (not Johnny that would have been a bit too familiar) for the Steel Pulse badge on his lapel.He politely refused and put his left hand over it for protection.As I made my exit I paused to take the sticks from my kecks, for fear of doing myself an injury.This proved fatal, as it gave Malcolm McClaren the time to catch me(round the throat).I was nearly blue in the face by the time I let go!....The roadie feeling sorry for me, rewarded me with a 'Holidays in the Sun' poster as he took the sticks from me...the last sticks they ever played with in this country as it turned out.Still for one night only ....Huddersfield really was.. the Rock and Roll capital of the world.P.S..... Lord Roby is in the picture above.A poster for the first correct guess.And no,I am not the one in the sad Emu coat!'.

Wonderful Life

2011-07-04T10:19:00.000-07:00

The 4th of July is notable for one thing in Liverpool; the outbreak of the Toxteth Riots.So today on local radio,we have had endless blackman bleating about how bad things were and still are for blackyouth,blackmama and blackpapa....blah....blah...blah....No mention of the white guys who were equally disenfranchised at the time and joined in to vent their anger.These were serious,full scale riots...and the plod were well and truly caught with their pants down.So lets move forward 30 years.Whats changed? Well Bob Harris has just been given a gong for his 'services' to music.Personally ,I thought the kids choir at the Palm House ,Sefton Park on Sunday did more for music in an hour but thats only my opinion.But ,what I liked,was that it was a genuinely multi racial choir, White kids,Poles,Jewish,Asian,Indian and Pakistani...only one race was missing..You've guessed it 'the blackman who got a lorra problems'....I see it.or rather don't see time and time again.I don't see blackman at the theatre,the museum.Dont even see him in B and bastard Q....Don't see him walkin his dog.....or at the summer fete or playing golf,cricket or anything for that matter.Didn't see him at all amongst 75,000 whiteys at Aintree for the Grand National.Maybe he was at dem Camptown Races....Black people in Liverpool live in Liverpool 8 'ghetto' because they choose to,,they don't get involved because they choose not to.All other races are present throughout Liverpool and it's conurbations.All blackman seems interested in is 'eatin jerk chicken and bangin booty....It's a wonderful life in L8

Little Willy

2011-06-23T04:36:00.000-07:00

Recently, Lord Roby had the pleasure of his attendung his first beer festival.It was long overdue.Because I was attending on my Jack Jones I was a bit apprehensive.Would I fit in? Would there be any eye candy or would it just be a bunch of old Swan types.(The Swan is a well established real ale boozer in downtown Liverpool for the uninitiated.) It turned out to be full of old Swan types and students.I didn't fit in.So there was no alternative but to talk to the beer.First up was Straw Dog.Very nice indeed.Next up Durdle Door(from Dorset no doubt).Also very palatable.This was followed by a gill of Palm.I can't remember what this one was like,but it was nice enough to imbibe.I was now racing headlong into the second hour.By this time I was also starting to practice my 'Liver Dance'.Edinburgh Gold was a reluctant choice but I felt I had patronise the locals.It was absolutely spiffing.By now I was like a kid in a sweet shop.I couldn't get enough of the stuff down my neck quickly enough.I was in a beer frenzy.I somehow had the sense to put all the names of the different brews in my mobile phone.I was starting to run out of consciousness ; and so had to pick the next brew with care.Corncrake!! That's the one for me.Another winner,I was beginning to feel like it was time to 'walk'.I had over-imbibed by some degree.I had enough cells left for 'just one more'.There it was staring right at me.Mersey Mist.No don't ask me why but this was the only beer I could remember the flavour of.Maybe it was because it was a wheat beer made by Liverpool 1 that tasted of orangesages and lemons.Delish.

It was time to leave.I had spent the best two hours imaginable and spent all of £20 and let's just say I left 'Liver Dancing' and very,very..'Mersey Mist'!!!

Psychokiller

2011-06-02T09:07:00.000-07:00

The good thing about blogs is that sometimes they write themselves.As was the case last weekend during my trip back to Two Dogs.On the trip home from Edinburgh to Roby I decided to wait for the Pendolino,for no other reason than I could charge up my mobile phone.As a table seat is required for this,the only seat left was opposite a couple of guys travelling back to Birmingham,I assume.As I tried to sit down,I felt an obstruction.A case perchance,or maybe a backpack.No.It was the guy opposites legs/feet and he had no intention of moving them.Unperturbed, I proceeded to stamp on them.He grudgingly moved his feet just enough to let me sit down.Funny though,when I glared at him; he continued to look right through me as if I wasn't there.After about an hour of this I decided to go the bar for a drink.I was beginning to rise to the bait.When I returned to my dismay the plates of meat had not moved.This time I made a point of standing on them as hard as I could, while looking him in the eye.No response.All this time, the guy did not move or talk to his 'friend' next to him.He didn't eat,drink,smile,move,get up to pee,read a mag.I was beginning to think that maybe it was Ramadan.What's more,when his friend talked on the phone,(in Arabic) he had his hand over his mouth(?).These guys were not your average travellers.Sufficiently worried,I told a guard of my concerns as I went to find another seat.He did sweet F.A.In fact the just laughed.When I returned to pick up my phone about 10mins before reaching Wigan,I encountered another bout of footsie.When I unplugged my mobile I found it was jammed!Strange not even emergency calls.

Needless to say ,when I went to have my phone unjammed, I told the local plod of my concerns.They were very attentive.Now, I am no supergrass but these two definitely deserved 'blowing up'.

Contrast this with my return trip to Aberdeen.The two girls opposite were giggling,talking,ringing mom (all in Hebrew).Except for when they burst into a rendition of the chorus of 'Psychokiller' by Talking Heads.I couldn't help but laugh, mainly because I knew all the English words they didn't.Now, I don't know about you,but who are the most likely psychokillers?The one's who acted like it.....or the one's who sang about it......Que est ce que c'est ????

Georgia on My Mind

2011-05-24T08:22:00.000-07:00

Every year while watching the U.S. Masters from Augusta, I make a promise to myself that one day I will go there.Not necessarily for the golf tournament, but to just be at the place itself.Augusta,Georgia always looks immaculate and perfectly manicured.She is always pleasing on the eye ; and the weather there always looks perfect.Invariably, I have either got the time or the money but never both at the right time.Next year I will have both in union.Fortunately, my cousin lives only a relatively short drive from the course.All I have to do now is run it by Lady Roby.Well; it is generally held on or around my birthday, so what could there possibly be to object to.So maybe, I will be on that Midnight Train to Georgia pretty soon and it really will be like my birthday and Christmas all rolled into one.

Ticket to Ride

2011-05-19T09:03:00.000-07:00

Last weekend The Ladies Roby came up to Aberdeen to visit Pa-pa.Now, during his time in the Scottish Highlands Lord Roby has taken to walking lot.In fact,walking everywhere.Whereas back in downtown Two Dogs there is a definate tendancy to take a cab, if the is no chauffeur on hand.So cabs it was.The first cab was duly despatched to us all for breakfast.The destination was; left at the lights and straight through the roundabout to 'Prego' for breakfast.When we reached the roundabout the taxi turned right! I duly told the driver to keep on round the roundabout until he 'understood'.We all laughed.After a very tasty breakfast, we embarked on a pleasant day of shopping and snacking and headed back to the hotel for a rest, prior to a birthday meal for young Lady Roby.After a few drinks in town we decided to get a taxi back.After the earlier confusion I decided to give the driver as much information as I could regarding our hotel.'Its the Great Western Hotel on Great Western Road,opposite the church,before you get to the Mariners Hotel and this side of Burns Road.He duly drove straight past the hotel !! As I looked at him and pointed at the hotel he just muttered 'Oh that used to be called The Clubhouse'...to which I retorted..'and I suppose the church was the 1st Hole'.He growled and drove off, albeit with a tip!! I was beginning to get a tad pissed off.
But after a good nights sleep we decided to head in to town for a Sunday breakfast.No problems this time, other than we were overcharged by a £1.00 for two non-existant suitcases.That cost the driver a £2 tip. I was now totally anti-taxi.Nevertheless, after a great time on Sunday evening there was no way the Ladies were walking home in heels.So, I reluctantly succumbed.We hailed a taxi and told him the name of the hotel.He set off in the opposite direction! I immediately told the thieving bar-steward to 'do a uey'.He obliged with a u-turn, while growling some gaelic curses I presume.By the time we got to the hotel....about 90 seconds....I was ready to blow.The money was thrown in his face after I had told him all about my 'bad taxi day'.The door was duly slammed.At which point;he lowered his window and gave me the fingers while pulling off.'Have a nice day' I think he growled.Needless to say I am now happy to rely on Shank's Pony.

Perfect Day

2011-05-02T08:41:00.000-07:00

To some people a perfect day might involve a wedding or the birth of a child.To Lord Roby yesterday was a perfect day of a quite different sort.Up early on a Sunday with the obligatory hangover to walk/climb Bennachie Hill(???).If I'd been told it was 1750 foot I would have stayed in bed.Against all the odds I got to the top.Admittedly, it took an hour and a half.But the weather was perfect with warm spring sunshine and a gentle breeze.The walk was punctuated by numerous stops 'for a breather'.Oxygen debt being the norm rather than the exception.But,it did offer up the opportunity of a spot of twitching.The highlight being a Wood Warbler, that is if my eyes didn't deceive me.Towards the top I stopped to 'take the air' and I've never heard silence like it.The only people at the top were an American tourist looking for a quarry(?) and a couple picnicing.The descent took half the time.But while the ascent was arduous the descent was quite tortuous.Still it was nice to cool off with some water courtesy of the spring alongside the 'path'.Another excuse to stop.

Then it was off back to Aberdeen for some Soup and a glass of 'M and S' Rose(under duress),a nice steak and chips,some claret,a few beers and a 'Bloody Mary' for a night cap.The latter was for medicinal purposes ,you understand; to quell the bubbling stomach.Then it was off to bed and a re-run of a Roy Orbison documentary on BBC4.

I guess perfect days are like allsorts.They come in all shapes and sizes and no two are the same.Needless to say I slept like a baby!

The Magnificent Seven

2011-04-30T07:57:00.000-07:00

Some people believe everything happens in threes.Maybe it does.Although, of late my destiny appears to be squarely in the hands of the number 7.On 7th of January I signed on the dole for the first time.It was also the day that my Mum went into hospital in the last throes of lung cancer.On the 7th of February she died.On the 7th of March,after two years and 490 job applications I started a new job after a 10 minute telephone interview.The job,bizarrely was the first job I pulled off the machine in the Job Centre! On the 7th of April I received my first paycheck.At the time I was maxed out everywhere.The wolves weren't so much at my door-step,they had their tongues through the letterbox.I wonder what event awaits on the 7th of May.On the 7th of June I have my review.If all goes well the Jaguar XF will be on the driveway shortly after and I really will be in 7th heaven.I can't help feeling guilty about being so happy and 'on top' in the wake of all that's happened of late.But I guess thats only natural.Say La V!!

I Guess Thats Why They Call It The Blues

2011-02-23T13:33:00.000-08:00

Since I took early redundancy( semi retirement) some eleven years ago, I have wound up my friends with the words....'The only time I get up to alarm clock now,is Everton away games in London'.....So last Saturday morning the alarm was well and truly set for the ungodly hour of 5.15 am.The reason was the FA Cup 4th Round Replay at Stamford Bridge,Chelsea.The first thing I thought as I left home in the rain shortly after was..'I must be efffing mad'...The train down was rammed.Not even standing room for a 4 hour journey.Luckily,I got a seat.No refreshments either.The trolley could not get through.If a visit to the loo was required,the only way to the loo, was to get off at the next station and run down the platform to the loo carraige.Except when you got there you realised the queue was back to where you were sitting in the first place! Cue empty beer cans.Hopefully out of view of the ubiquitous CCTV cameras and children.And that was just the women amongst us!! Still the journey passed rather uneventfully, considering how much beer an brandy had been consumed.After a few beers outside Euston in the Royal George it was now getting late.No time to buy an Underground ticket.So it was time for a bit of 'ducking and diving'.This comes natural.
With a minute to go of extra-time Everton were losing 1-0.Then a free kick in a dangerous position.Bainsy sends it into the top corner and its pandemonium.If I ever wondered for a minute why I bother,the question was answered in full right there and then.At moments like this a kind of strange,surreal,semi reality becomes apparent....in slow motion...Any worries are immediately purged from within and replaced by temporary euphoria.As it was at the end of penalties when we scored the winner.Now,way back in 1970 I watched Everton win the first ever penalty shoot out in the European Cup.I had only seen them win one more since.A curse if there ever was one.Back in 1970 I went to bed as an 11 year old boy and kicked the quilt cover til I fell asleep.
So it was off to the George for a few more beers, a few cans for the train (that rocked all the way back) and into the City for a few more beers; before it was off to bed.After another session of....'rolling like thunder under the covers', I slept like an 11 year old boy without a care in the world.Some things never change.

Mmmmm,Mmmmm,Mmmmm,Mmmmm.

2011-02-04T13:36:00.000-08:00

There has been a lot of mud slinging of late between two of Englands footballing stalwarts.Everton,who hold the WORLD record for the most seasons in top flight football,over 100;and Arsenal,who hold the record for the longest unbroken spell in the English top division.The reason is, that one of the Arsenal players,Cesc Fabregas has been reportedly accusing the mighty Everton,a bastion of English football, of bribing match officials in return for ' favours'.Cesc's manager, Arsene 'the Arse of Arsenal' Wenger has also accused the Everton manager,David Moyes, of lying In my eyes that make them Two Dogs arses!! Moyes has come out fighting and today went public.He has confirmed what the press had previously reported, namely that Cesc had in fact accused Everton FC of bribing officials.His manger 'Arse of the Arse' has also accused Moyes of pretending he heard the accusation!! Anal Arse is a man who conveniently 'never sees' any transgression by his players.Clearly a man of little integrity.Arse is also claiming a media witch-hunt against his star player.This is the same player who allegedly told a lower league player to 'fcuk off' when asked to swap shirts after a recent FA Cup tie.He also allegedly spat at an opposing manager.He also allegedly tried to get his friend and ex collegue Mikel Arteta sent off by feigning injury.He also tried to end the same players career last week by stamping on his achilles tendon,allegedly.Methinks the allegations are starting to stack up.The thing is Cesc like mud,the other thing that sticks is the fruits of your disgusting,dirty,no good Spanish lungs!! Superstar? My Arse!! Strange then, that when you look at the stats.This season, Arsenal have been 'awarded' 14 penalties, the corrupt, no good, incorrigibles of Goodison Park have been awarded...well....none!!Mmmmmmmmmmmm!

The Laughing Gnome

2011-01-25T14:50:00.000-08:00

One of the above is a comedian.The other is Ricky Gervais.Little Richard has ruffled a few feathers in Hollywood of late I hear.News must be slow because he is still getting airtime for it.Apparently he had the audacity to put down a few minor celebrities whilst in their company.From what I can gather, Ricky has only ever done two things.Firstly, write a series that reminds people, who really don't want reminding, just how shit and soul destroying office life really is.Particularly, when your boss is the biggest gobshite you have ever come across.Believe me I've met a few.And the thing is; the current one is always worse than the gobshite before.My last one was worse than the previous three put together! Why,once you've left 'the office' would you get pleasure out of watching yourself being drained of your soul all over again? Secondly, he wrote something that put extra-ordinary actors like Robert De Niro and Patrick Stewart(the latter just happens to be a friend of a friend) in ordinary situations.And just because of who they were,this made it profound and a work of genius.Then again so was 'The Emperors New Clothes' when I 'read' it as a 9 year old.If Ricky wants to be a comedian he could do a lot worse than take a few lessons off 'The Dame'.Watch any 'Audience with Dame Edna' show or in fact any of her shows to see the art of the gentle put down at its finest.'She's' that good that the victim is never 'not amused'.My favourite clip,in fact one of my fave all time clips is when she 'interviewed' the great Douglas Fairbanks Jnr.Now there's a real celebrity.Most would have expected some comment about the alleged madness of his wife Joan Crawford.Not The Dame.She simply asked with all due sincerety whether....'Joan had pet name for her front botty?'.All Douglas Fairbanks could do was smile while squirming profusely.That the way to do it Ricky....with a touch of class.

The Last Waltz

2011-01-03T16:11:00.000-08:00

What you may wonder have the two handsome chaps above got in common.Well not much as you would imagine.However,the death of Pete Postlethwaite brought to mind one of my favourite show-biz anecdotes.It happened in an airport executive lounge while the celebs where being kept waiting for a Concorde flight.Both,were amongst the irate customers.Presently,a rather apologetic young hostess advised that the celebs would be called by name when their seat was available.Pete decided that this was the time for a bit of fun,realising the young girl didn't really have a clue who anybody was.When Engleberts name was called Pete immediately stood up,claiming he was Englebert.Englebert was not happy and protested, at which point Pete friends joined in 'Spartacus' style.Sadly, Pete has sadly had his last waltz.No doubt everybody will have their favourite character of his.Mine was always his portrayal of 'Obidiah' in 'Sharpe'.

The Snowman

2010-12-23T15:21:00.000-08:00

Somethings never change.Regardless of the weather and how sub-zero it gets, the dog still has to be taken for a walk.So whilst walking the dog I took in the air.Very crisp and even,while the snow I walked upon was very deep and dry.In fact it was perfect for making snowmen.Except that as far as the eye could see;there was not a snowman in sight.Yet,the local park is surrounded by young kids who have been off school for a week.What's the problem.Is it too much like hard work to build a snowman? Or is it that a snowman cannot, as yet be downloaded? Kids today want everything NOW.And if it takes longer than NOW they don't appear to be interested.When I was a kid my idea of technology would have been a big stick, long enough to reach from the couch, to the push buttons on the Rediffusion TV.As much as I love the instant gratification the internet can deliver,I am so glad I got to grow up in Christmas past.Sadly,kids today will never know the difference between snow-men and snow-women.First one to answer correctly wins a carrot.Texts charged at two bob each!

The King and I

2010-12-10T14:45:00.000-08:00

On 5th July 1981 Lord Roby and friends happened upon a riot in Toxteth,Liverpool.We knew it was a riot because there were cars reversing into off- licences and tobacconists and filling up with booze and fags without so much as a 'by your leave'.Also, there was a general air of chaos and mayhem that one does not come across in normal everyday life.There was nothing else to do but get out the car and join in! Cue police stand-offs, missile launching,tractor driving rioters attacking police lines with the sharp end of the bucket.Oh and bank burning.The sight of a Nat West bank going up in flames along with all the cash will live long in the memory.I turned up in work the next day with black smoke rings under my eyes and smelling like a well charred jacket spud on Bonfire night.

Last night Prince Charles and friends happened upon a riot.He knew it was a riot because people were trying to attack him and shouting 'off with their heads' in a rather menacing fashion.

What did our 'future' King do? He kept waving that pathetic tiresome royal wave.For all his intellect and upbringing he had obviously not been concentrating during his 'What to do if you happen upon a riot' training in downtown Balmoral.It would have been nice see him get out and start shouting 'All Coppers Are Bastards' but I suppose that's just wishful thinking; and it did occur to me that Prince William may have told him to turn right at Piccadilly instead of left.What a wag!

The thing is, I never thought for one minute I would ever have anything in common with our future King.

One thing however is certain,the picture above will spawn a thousand captions.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go

2010-11-25T15:28:00.000-08:00

As I was walking down the Frog and Toad the other day I nearly stood on a Richard the Third.Being a responsible chappie I wondered what to do about the Richard the Third to prevent anybody else making a mess of themselves.I decided to try and pick up the Richard the Third.This proved more difficult than I imagined because it wouldn't keep still. When I finally managed to pick it up;with two hands,as it was rather large;I noticed a ring on it's left leg.It was a rather fine specimen of the genus Racing Pigeon( Fugitus Mickus).As it was totally exhausted I decided to take it home and try to contact the Nearly Dead Pigeon's Society.This was no trouble to someone like myself, who as a ragamuffin child spent plenty of time in pigeon lofts.Usually other peoples in the dead of night!! I rang the hotline and gave in the number on the ring,only to be told that the owner was no longer racing pigeons so the computer said I couldn't have his contact details.I was now the unwitting owner of orphan GB 98 J 29924.Apparently the 98 is the date of birth,which at 12 years old makes it rather an old bird,which presumably makes it a successful bird,since pigeons fanciers take no prisoners when it comes to tardy Micks.However,the bird, now known affectionately as Long John Silver Blue because it's always standing on one leg,steadfastly refuses to leave the comfort of my shed.I leave the door open but no luck.I even left it's food bowl by the open door.When I came back there was no sign of LJSB.But only because it had bedded down in some straw on the floor! Maybe it has only flown when racing, but then I'm not about to take it to Whitchurch to find out it's back in the shed before I'm back over Runcorn Bridge.It seems perfectly happy with it's lot,and I've got no problem buying a bag of cracked corn every now and then.So I guess it's here to stay until such times as it decides to go.

Stan

2010-11-23T14:41:00.000-08:00

One of the pleasures of having a blog is checking out where your viewers are viewing from,even if the are not suitably inspired to leave a comment.The most melodic place I've been visited from has to be Florianopolis in Brazil and viewers from The Bronx are always a buzz.But the latest one,I just had to check out! A visitor from the mighty Bashkortostan.Where the flock is that I hear you say? And what is about my blog that interested them? The capital of Bashkortostan is Ufa ( pronounced Ufa in Sirilic).And todays homework is......What colours are the national flag of The Republic of Bashkortostan?.....And for a bonus point.....How long before they are latest addition to the EU?

Wake Up And Smell the Offy

2010-10-24T10:35:00.000-07:00

Last night the Roby's attended a wedding reception at the presigious Grosvenor Hotel in Chester.The night started with a bang.A charrabang to be precise.We left the equally impressive venue of St Georges Hall in Liverpool with the prophetic words of our cheeky chappie driver ringing in our ears.' I'll stop off at an 'Offy'(off licence) on the way.The bar prices are 5 star to say the least'.He duly obliged and pockets were stuffed with 250ml bottles of Stowells finest and cheap Vodka.The Grosvenor was almost everything I expected.Great venue,great food, good quality drinks and excellent service.Apart from the bar staff that is.What I didn't expect was thieving bar stewards.You see the young Duchess of Roby prefers Rose wine, which was in short supply at the offy. At £5.25, a 175 ml glass it was rather pricey, but what the Duchess wants,the Duchess gets.After a couple if glasses I commented that she was quaffing quicker than usual.After showing me the glass she had just bought I knew why.One thing Lord Roby does know is; how many glasses make a bottle of wine!!I offered to buy the next.I was served up about a 100ml of wine.Immediately I advised the thief that the measure was way short.To which he replied...'You want a real glass of wine?'....Q.E.D.

As an addendum, the happy couple Keiron Mc Ging and his beautiful Asian wife,Ming Sing were oblivious to all this.Well for £20,000 you want everything to be perfect don't you? I don't know yet whether Ming Sing will be taking he husbands name or not.Well would you?

The Way We Were.

2010-10-14T12:17:00.000-07:00

Eno Eroutor,Lukwesa Burak,Zeinab Badawi........Terrorists perhaps?.....asylum seekers? axle hangers?.....No actually they are common(?) or garden newsreaders in todays multi-cultural UKistan.Whatever happened to Reggie Bosanquet,Fenella Fudge and Gordon Honeycombe? Ah.. the good old days.Did you know the good old days are always 50 years ago? Did you know nostalgia literally means 'old pain'. Does that mean neuralgia means 'new pain'??? And did you know the man himself Gordon Honeycombe was a rabid Evertonian? Guess not.And why on earth would somebody who was born in Karachi and probably never set foot on Merseyside choose to worship at the altar of St Domingo?As Bertie Bassett once said 'I guess it takes allsorts'!

It's All In the Game

2010-10-11T15:05:00.000-07:00

Next Sunday is Derby Day.But for the first time ever there is no talk of football, only questions of ownership and owners for the red half of the city.What will be the outcome of the High Court on the 12th of October?,after the RBS injunction to stop G and T sacking the board are Liverpool already in administration?,will Liverpool be deducted points just as Southampton were when Southampton Leisure Holdings were consumed by their bank?,is 'Harry Kim' just a patsy for G and T or will he....'make it so'? Will any of this make a blind bit of difference when the game kicks off on Sunday? Not one jot. As Joe Royle the ex-Everton player and manager once said,..'In the Merseyside derby the players kick lumps out of each other for the first 20mins......and then they throw the ball on.!!! 'And guess what? We wouldn't have it any other way.We don't care if the rest of the country find in manic,brutal and devoid of anything that resembles cultured football.It's our battle.So come Sunday,let battle commence, but don't expect me for one to enjoy a single minute of it.Pleasure has got absolutely nothing to do with it.

Needles and Pins

2010-10-08T14:23:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine recently had the misfortune to fall down this gaping chasm while walking his dog on the park, opposite where he lives.Injury and compensation set in very shortly after.I mean how dumb does your average contractor have to be, to realise that leaving a quagmire like this on a public park is likely to result in at least one claim for compo.The thing is;my friend has confided in me that he is injured,but not that badly.In fact, he has a long standing back injury which is giving him way more 'jip'.....The dilemma is; to maximise the claim the injury needs to be prolonged,which means medicals,physiotherapy and all the usual palava.During the course of this my friend was recommended for acupuncture.Being a scientist he was rather sceptical of this dark oriental homeopathic treatment.Concerned that refusing this time wasting therapy may raise suspicions my friend went ahead with it.To his total suprise the treatment worked.After 15mins of painless puncturing my friend left the physiotherapist feeling rather invigorated and totally pain free for the first time in years.However,my friend now has a dilemma.....does he for purely fiscal reasons, keep schtum or does he congratulate his therapist and stay true to his scientific priciples......Lord Roby being of the aristocracy would obviously 'do the right thing'......But what should his 'friend' do?

Barbed Wire Love

2010-07-21T15:17:00.000-07:00

While reading The Guardian today in a rather upmarket 'greasy spoon' in the leafy Liverpool surburb of Mossley Hill, Lord Roby came upon this rather disturbing story of Arab-Israeli disharmony.Sabbar Kushor an Israeli of Arab descent introduced himself as a Jewish batchelor seeking a serious relationship with a Jewish woman.The Jewish woman who,he had consensual sex with shortly after, in downtown east Jerusalem, subsequently found out the truth about his Arab upbringing and filed criminal charges of rape.Sabbar Kushor was sentenced to 18 months in prison on Monday.The judge declaring 'the court is obliged to protect the public interest from sophisticated smooth tongued criminals, who can deceive innocent victims at an unbearable price,the sanctity of their bodies and souls' Is this literally a case of where 'Yes' means 'No'? My overriding concern in all this;is that when I met Lady Roby(a staunch Liverpool fan) in The Sausage Factory all them years ago,I'm pretty sure I told her I was an Evertonian BEFORE the relationship was consummated !!! Didn't I ?

Goosey Goosey Gander

2010-07-08T14:09:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that all is not well in Camp Goodison.Why ever not you may ask? Well one of our ducklings (an ugly one I might add) has toddled off.He must have been unhappy then.He was,he had just shook hands on a 100% wage rise,to take him to £15000 a week, after all.What then could make him so unhappy that he just had to leave.Greed.
This miserable,no good,ungrateful,badly injured footballer realised that, because the club had not put the offer in writing he just may be able to walk away 'on a free' thereby guaranteeing him a hefty signing on fee.As usual, the FA judged against us,even though we still have a legally binding contract for another 12 months.I can't believe the FA think that they are above the law of the land,but apparently any appeal is 'doomed to fail'.Goslings reward will be to sign for either West Ham(barely avoided relegation last year), Newcastle(haven't won the league since 1927) or Sunderland(well you just wouldn't go there would you?).Every time he returns to Goodison from now on he will rue the day,I guarantee.A little bit of me hopes he gets to see out his last12 months of misery with the club, preferably, in the stiffs.Gosling,go sling yer hook!
Everton: Love The Club,Hate the Players!
P.S. He can't play for at four months due a serious knee injury.Bring on the baseball bats.

Accidents Will Happen

2010-06-30T15:21:00.000-07:00

Now that the dust has settled on our inglorious exit from the World Cup,it occured to me that Mitzi Muller would have no difficulty outrunning our so called 'defence'.Was it an accident that any player with any pace was deselected to make the final squad? Was it an accident that Capello took a few crocks along to make up the numbers? Was it an accident that John Terry decided to hold an unofficial press conference? Was it another accident that JT organised an 'impromptu' huddle at the end of the Slovakia game when clearly that is for the captain to orchestrate? Was it an accident that JT appeared unable to accept that he was NOT captain anymore; and appeared to be trying to undermine the person who took away the captaincy from him at every opportunity?
Disasters usually need three things to conspire to cause them.In this case,it was having a manager that didn't care,a team that didn't care; and even if they did care they didn't have the one pre-requisite that all modern day footballers need, to make it past the academy stage;PACE !! This was an accident waiting to happen and the only saving grace was that it wasn't the Argies that got to exact the coup de grace!
And is it possible to have an accidental conspiracy? Mmmm!

Mellow Yellow

2010-06-26T14:55:00.000-07:00

In an effort to keep up with the Jones's i.e. Vinogirl and her wines and Thud and his cider making,Lord Roby has decided to venture forth.The drink above is home made Limoncello.Inspired by the Hellas Verona fans in Italy, who faithfully imbibe this liquor on the way to away games,and home games, for that matter.After a week or so brewing; I approached it with trepidation after the England vs Algeria game.There was no need,it was an unqualified success.After a few snifters of this brew to add to the numerous pints that went before,I was absolutely mullered.And to think I only made it with 40 proof alcohol.The Italians, for whom every family has their own recipe,generally make it with 95 proof alcohol!! Lets hope we don't get 'Mullered' by the Germans tomorrow,one night of this stuff was quite enough thanks.

World Cup Bastardi Watch 1

2010-06-20T13:38:00.000-07:00

The Malian referee above excelled himslf on behalf of 'The Bastardi' the other night.How? By deciding that 5 Slovenian players holding,dragging and shirt-pulling,5 USA players constitutes a foul to Slovenia!!!! Consequently,he disallowed a perfectly good USA goal,which would have won the game for America ,thus crowning a remarkable comeback, from 2 goals down at half-time.The only reason for this, that I can formulate is; that the USA weren't supposed to win!! Apparently,'The Bastardi' are going to look into it on Monday.Yeah! just like they 'loooked into' Henri's handball winner against Ireland.In France's case lets hope their demise/disintegration is a case of 'what goes around,comes around'.In America's case, does anyone really think that anything other than a funny handshake will prevail?

Simple Simon Says

2010-06-10T14:21:00.000-07:00

'I'd like to play a game, that is so much fun and it's not so very hard to do.....'.So why make it more difficult than it is for England, by being hell bent on sending off as many players as possible on Saturday.The other day I found this guy,slightly amusing,regardless of his intentions.Now he is really starting to worry me! Today's news is that this joker and his officials have: 'learned 20 English swearwords'...'we can't do this in all languages'...No!, that would be too much like a level playing field.No victimisation there then.And who's to say he will understand,Stevie Geeeeelaaaa or Wayne Rooney's broad scouse accent anyway.And just how does 'Soft-Shite' translate in Portuguese? I just might do a spread bet on there being a world record low number of players to finish a World Cup match on Saturday.Oh and the song 'Simple Simon Says' was sung by The 1910 Fruitgum Company.Struth!!!

Simple Simon

2010-06-07T15:11:00.000-07:00

This is the start of what I hope, won't become a regular feature over the coming weeks.World Cup Bastardi Watch.To the unenlightened, 'The Bastardi' are those individuals or collectives that conspire to prevent your team from winning a game that they ought to.The above.. 'crook,scoundrel and shameless bastard' to quote the Palmeiras manager from his native Brazil, is about to officiate on England's opening game against the USA.Another quote from the same man Luis Gonzaga Belluzo.'He must be in someone's pocket,if I met him on the street would slap him'.Wherever this guy goes,controversy inevitably follows.He has previously been banned for 'a repetition of mistakes' .Blatter and Platini you have a lot to answer for already.
Stop Press: Gareth Barry won't now be fit for our opening and most difficult qualifier......ET TU FABIO....

Oh Bondage Up Yours!

2010-05-25T15:16:00.000-07:00

With all the fine weather we have been having of late, it was inevitable there would be some wildlife casualties.The little chap above must have been indulging in a bit of badders by moonlight.Maybe he tried to jump the net at the end of his game.Either way in the cold light of day he was well and truly snared.I don't get to see enough hedgehogs and even fewer baby ones.Anyone know what they are called,hoglets maybe?...The trouble with this one was that he didn't know when he was onto a good thing.Everytime I got the scissors anywhere near him he just locked himself away.Since I didn't have any chloroform to hand I decided to play the waiting game.Maybe the dog food would tempt him.We all know how much they love a bowl of Chum.After about 2 hours of to-ing and fro-ing, the last of the net was finally snipped and he was free to go aforaging, without so much as a by your leave.Just another summers day in Two Dogs.
This event reminded me; when four Liverpool fans were playing football with a hedgehog right outside my house.I was absolutely disgusted.Just as I was about to ring the RSPCA, I heard a blood curdling squeal.As I turned to look, my horror turned to joy when I realised the hedgehog had gone 1 nil up! Some things never change.

Some Guys Have All the Luck

2010-04-15T16:35:00.000-07:00

Round about this time of year,I usually get the feeling that my luck is about to change.Could it be because I'm an Aries child or could it be something to do with the pesky Pisky I carry around with me(and have done since I was 9!) wherever I go.Generally, I have always been a lucky bar-steward, and I know Napolean preferred his bar-stewards to be of the lucky variety,but this time of year my luck usually goes into overdrive.This year has been no different.At the beginning of the month I entered a competition to win two VIP tickets worth over £400 for a glittering prize.The tickets were for the Everton FC 25th Anniversary of the last time we had a great team! The reason I entered was that, the closing date for the competion was 3 DAYS BEFORE the competition was announced on the club website.I smelt a rat.Somebody at the club had messed up.Within a hour the competition had been relegated to the achives.I knew I was onto something.Only 6 punters had seen the article.The gala night was also only 3 days away.So over the weekend I emailed the contact to find out when the winners would be announced.I was told the winners would find out on Sunday.Sunday came and went.But on Monday, the day of the event,I got the call to say I had won the tickets! I love it when a plan comes together.And what a night it was.Black tie,Champagne all the way,a meal,and a photo call with the class of 85.I was like a kid in a sweetshop.
We are only halfway through the month and I get a call from an anxious owner of a lap dancing bar in the city.He was having some problems with his licence application and could I help! Like Mr Wolf in Pulp Fiction,I was there before he put the phone down.It's a hard life!

Friggin in the Riggin

2010-03-10T14:18:00.000-08:00

With all this waxing lyrical by Vinogirl about daffodils,it brought to mind a strange tale I once read about.The two gentlemen above are the most unlikely of co-conspirators.One is former poet laureate William Wordsworth the other, none other than the notorious Fletcher Christian.Both went to the same school,Cockermouth Free School and both came from powerful local families.Indeed, Christian was a direct descendant of both William the Conqueror and Edward 1.After Mr Christian had had his wicked way with Captain William Bligh he holed up in the Pitcairn isles for the rest of his natural.Or did he? Rumours abound in the Lake District that the Wordsworth family, who were prominent lawyers, harboured Mr Christian after he returned to Blighty.The Pitcairn Islands,for which this is about the only thing they are famous for, aren't to forthcoming on his demise or the circumstances surrounding it.There are a number of conflicting tales,but nothing definitive.Strange then; that all the mutineers have a grave on the Pitcairn Islands.....except for one.Yes you've guessed it Fletcher Christian!!
One thing however, is a matter of fact.While he was Poet Laureate, William Wordsworth did not write a single line of poetry,not a jot,a couplet or a sonnet.Now that's what I call ,money for old rope!

Two Little Boys

2010-02-24T16:20:00.000-08:00

The first little boy was brought up red.His first football kit was red and he was taken to see Liverpool bring home the FA cup in 1965,his idol was Roger Hunt and he used to go to the Liverpool training ground for autographs.......The second little boy wasn't taken to see Everton bring home the FA cup in 1966 and wasn't bought a blue kit.But the second little boy was taken to see Everton versus Leeds in 1969 by his sisters boyfriend.It was a packet of crisps and a bottle of pop at the Farmers Arms and then down to the Eagle and Child for the charrabang to Goodison Park.It was a glorious summers day in August and the blues won 3-2.On the way home Alan Ball cruised by in his gold Sunbeam Rapier shouting to the fans out of the window.After this there was no going back.My head had been completely turned.Being a turncoat has never been something that you shout from the rooftops on Merseyside,ask Steven Gerrard!...,and there have been a few times since when my faith has been tested.Not least of which was that night in Instanbul when I ended up underneath a pile of rabid celebrating Liverpool fans.It was the last place in the world I wanted to be!!! But I've had some great times down the years following the blues through thin and thinner.It's got to the point where Lady Roby has accused me of loving Everton more than her!!...there was only one answer to that...."Effin Hell,I love Liverpool more than you!"

Return to Sender

2010-02-03T15:36:00.000-08:00

The little beauty of a medal above is interesting on a number of levels.Transcribed on the obverse is the following." Everton Football Club 1890-1891". Now a little bird once told me that the Liver Bird, so revered by our illustrious neighbours Liverpool FC, used to belong to Everton FC!! At first I liked the idea of it but could not substantiate this unlikely fact.That is until you delve into the history of the aforementioned medal.In 1890-91 Everton won the league title for the first time.Since the previous winners Preston N.E. had nothing to show for their efforts; Everton decided to commemorate this and cast the medal shown.Thereby inventing the league championship medal.One of our many footballing firsts.Look closer into the heart ot the medal and you will see a certain little dicky bird.The Liver Bird no less.Doesn't prove anything.....except that it does,when you realise Liverpool FC were not established until 1892!! How and when it was stolen from us, is still a mystery.However, in this Derby week and in the spirit of reconciliation, I think it's about time this little dicky bird found it's way home to roost.Dont you?

Cool For Cats

2010-01-20T15:13:00.000-08:00

After a pretty ropey Christmas and New Year due to family problems allied to a car crash just before Christmas; I was beginning to wonder when I was going to get my smile back.Would it be the blues on the way up,or maybe the reds on the way down.Nope neither.The ongoing saga of the car crash has finally borne some fruit.Since liability for the accident was admitted within 24 hours,I felt I had a pretty strong hand.So imagine my dismay when I was offered a Skoda(?) to replace my treasured Audi A6 Quattro.Something didn't add up.So I knocked it back.I was then advised that my choices where limited due to my car being over 6 years old;the best they could do was a Ford Mondeo.Sorry,not havin it! After a few heated discussions my solicitor contacted them with a few home truths.Bingo! A Mercerdes C180K Sport arrived first.Next day, a call asking would I like to swap for a Mercedes S Class.Yes please! Then today, another call telling me that there was a Jaguar XF with my name on it, if I wanted it for the duration.I haven't stopped smiling all day.Even after Liverpool winning.What a beast.I would never have believed a diesel could go so fast or be so damn beautiful.I suppose it's a triumph for doggedness above all else.I think I'll be sleeping with the 'cat' tonight.

Jeux Sans Frontiers

2009-12-09T09:36:00.000-08:00

Perversion reached new highs(or should that be lows) recently when Kieron Bobbette pleaded guilty to 5 counts of sexual assault at Hove Crown Court.His 'crime'...was chasing teenage girls until he was able to ride piggyback on them!! Bobette (no relation to John Wayne Bobbit or John Wayne for that matter) "denied that any sexual gratification was involved but accepted that there was a sexual element in the offences".The new offence of "Bobbetteing" has now entered the criminal psyche.Beware...what next?..The playground game of "May I" will only be acceptable if the answer is "Yes you may",Will "Floretta" be outlawed for fear of paedo attraction.And what about (god forbid).. the "Three legged race"!!!! Can you imagine poor Bobbette in the 'Nonce Wing' of the local jail. "And what you in here for.....Errr Piggyback riding" I guess it takes all sorts Bertie.....Anyone for Wheelbarrows?

The Winner Takes It All

2009-11-11T15:02:00.000-08:00

Last weekend Lord Roby was at a loose end.To spice things up a little he decided to have a little flutter.There is a new kinda bet in town.It's called Goals Galore.The premise is quite simple.All you have to do is pick football matches in which both teams will score.The more you get right,the more you win.However, get one wrong and it's curtains.Being a greedy bastard ,Lord Roby went for ten! If nothing else at least I would have plenty of scanning to do as the results started to come in.The first six came in rather quickly.Sheff Weds 1 -QPR 2,Aston Villa 5-Bolton 1,ManCity 3- Burnley 3, Wigan 1-Fulham 1,Falkirk who were bottom of the league drew 3-3 with Celtic who were top after being 0-0 at half-time! Number 6 was Blackpool 4,Scunthorpe 1.I was now starting to twitch The problem was that time was running out.Newcastle were winning 3-0,Tottenham were winning 1-0, and Blackburn were winning 3-0,but worst of all Notts Forest were drawing 0-0.Things were beginning to look hopeless until Portsmouth scored against Blackburn.7 up! With 10 minutes to go Peterborough pulled a goal back against Newcastle.Then with 5 minutes to go Notts Forest broke the deadlock.All I could do was stare at the TV and will the other two to score.Stone me! In the last minute Bristol City scored an equaliser!!!! I was now panting/ hyperventilating.All that left, was Sunderland to score. And then........the Sunderland and England striker Darren Bent breaks clear.Clean through on goal.The goalkeeper pulls him down.Penalty!! (and the goalkeeper sent off!!!!) Except, the referee inexplicably decides to only show the keeper a yellow card.Darren Bent steps against his old club and the keeper who isn't supposed to be there, saves his penalty.Bastardo!!! Tottenham run out 2-0 winners.If the penalty had been scored my meagre £3 bet would have returned the princely sum of £2103.The way things are at the moment the only luck I am getting is bad luck.Say La V

'O' livers Army

2009-11-10T07:43:00.000-08:00

Jamie Janes: An apology from Jocky Brown

Janie Jones was a great soldier.Unfortunately one day his Ford Cortina just ran out of fuel on the battlefield.My sympathies go out to his mother Jack Jones.
As a soldier Jimmy James was no slouch,nor was he a vagabond.He was just working for the clampdown.His 'Mary Doll' said 'if he had had any career opportunities he wouldnae have been there at all.'
As a soldier Jim Jams worked tirelessly for his troop.Often going days without sleep chasing insurgents.
As a soldier Jammie Jim was no dodger.To imply that, really is taking the biscuit!

If there any typos in this please forgive me as I only have one eye,..it's Brown...and I frequently talk out of it !!

RIP Jamie Janes....It's hard to defend yourself when all you have is a snub nosed 44.

'ELEVATOR GOING UP'

Red Red Whine

2009-11-08T13:37:00.000-08:00

Somethings are beyond my comprehension.Not many.But some.The stance being taken by Liverpool and Man Utd over displaying poppies on their shirts this week-end is one of those incomprehensible things. Of all teams, both of these should know better.We have had many reminders down the years on the anniversary of the Munich air disaster in 1958 and it's effect on Man Utd and it's fans.Also,every year Liverpool steadfastly refuse to play on the anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster.In fact they even lobbied UEFA to prevent a european game being staged on April 15th.The reason given for not displaying poppies, in both cases was..'we do enough for the armed forces as it is'. It's not the fans idea,and I'm pretty sure it's not the players idea.That leaves the Chief Exec and the owners.In both cases American.But why should American owners have an axe to grind? If it's the cost of a new strip for a day,then the shirts would instantly become collectors items and could auctioned off at a profit,with the proceeds going to the Haig Fund; which is exactly what most clubs are doing.Man Utd stuck to their guns and played today without a poppy in sight.Liverpool play tomorrow.Lets hope they have a change of heart at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month......

Park Life

2009-10-28T15:36:00.000-07:00

Only last week the two people above achieved greatness.Both were crowned world champions on the same day.Jenson Button won the Formula 1 title and Beth Tweddle became World Gymnastics champion(our first ever).Jenson,a self confessed playboy, no doubt spends a lot of his time in and around Park Lane,London.Young Beth spends most of her time in and around Park Road Gym,Liverpool.When asked why he thought if he had suffered for his success Jenson replied 'the G forces when cornering are like having your face ripped off!'.Believe me;if you hang aroung Park Road corners too long, in Liverpool, you will have your face ripped off!! Oh!, and Jenson was also man enough to take a £5m pay cut.Oh the humanity! I'm sure Beth would love to take a £5m pay cut too.Why the indignation? Well within minutes of winning the title,Jenson received warm congratulations from Gordon Brown.As far as I know Beth is still waiting for hers.By all accounts Beth is the perfect role model for kids and spends lots of time giving support to others and attending awards ceremonies.It looks like Gordon would rather revere someone who sits on his arse for a living, rather than someone who is a genuine inspiration to kids with no apparent prospects.When it come to Sports Personality of the Year; I know where my vote is going,and it wont be down Park Lane.

Bye Bye Blackbird

2009-09-22T15:36:00.000-07:00

I had the good fortune of a visit from this magnificent beast in my garden recently.I guess it wasn't so fortunate for the Blackbird that was immobilised by it's mighty talons.I was transfixed by this Sparrowhawk for about five minutes, as it slowly crushed the life out of the unfortunate 'Blackie'.It was completely unperturbed by anything around it and the cacophany of squawking from all the other birds nearby.If it had had been a cat,I would have chased it.But,I somehow felt priviliged to have it pay me a visit.After a few tasty morsels, for good measure, it gathered up its prey are carted it off to it's stash.I know; I should know better and only put food on the bird table.But,then if I had,I would never have had the pleasure of a close encounter with it.

Born to Lose

2009-08-22T12:01:00.000-07:00

The guy on the left of the above photo is none other than Tony Kay.For those who seen him play,he was one of the best players ever to wear the shirt and destined to become England captain for the 1966 World Cup.Bought from Sheffield Wednesday for a then record fee of £60,000 back in 1962.It all came unstuck when a certain Kelvin Mc Kenzie,then a fledgling reporter with the Sunday People,broke the story in 1964, that Tony had bet on a Sheff Wed game to lose, while he was playing for them.They lost.However,Tony was given the man of the match award for that game!! Guess he must have been trying too hard to lose.Tony was one of the first people to be convicted by taped evidence,even though it was impossible to hear what was on the tape! There was also no evidence that he had bet on any other game.Yet,he was convicted and sent to jug for 4 months.Following this he was declared 'sine die' by the FA,never to play professional football again.Everton,the innocent party in all this received no compensation for loss of his services.Strange then that only last week, Accrington Stanley player Peter Cavanagh received only an 8 month ban and a paltry fine for the same offence, while Tony Kay was convicted of 'conspiracy to defraud' and ultimately to lose his livelihood.As an aside; the Kray twins were particularly concerned about this new method of gathering evidence by tape recorder and duly 'requested' Tonys presence in the The Blind Beggar.Initially he resisted, but the Krays eventually got their man.Unlike Everton who lost theirs forever.

City Of The Dead

2009-08-03T16:04:00.000-07:00

The two images above have a rather notable historic connection.The one below was recently taken in 'Two Dogs' or Huyton, for those of you who do not have an affection for the place.'Two Dogs' is becoming a very dangerous place to live; with guns including Mach10's being unloaded on a regular basis.They say whatever America gets we get 20 years later.This was the one thing I didn't want.Banning guns seems to have done little to prevent the rise in gun crime.Let's face it if you have the money almost anything can be bought.The image above it, is of Ashford-on the-Water in Derbyshire where I took Lady Roby for a very pleasant day out recently.As picturesque a place as you will find.Very peaceful,untroubled and a pleasure to be there.Strange then,that both places should start life by appearing in the Domesday Book.Only one it would appear was actually doomed.

Holidays in the Sun

2009-07-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

'Cheap holidays in other peoples misery'...Hey that must mean I'm off to Cape Verde Islands for my annual vacation.This time I've done plenty of homework.A little bit of me thinks maybe I should have done this before I booked.Why?..Well apart from that fact that the holiday is all inclusive right down to the 24/7 help yourself beer tap.The little niggle is that most of the locals survive on less than a dollar- fifty a day.Being Portuguese before independence should lend itself to some sort of civilisation I guess.But there is also Brazilian and African elements in the mix.Well it is only a boat ride away from Senegal.Loads of great reviews....but also a few of some concern.Like the poor guy who got 'mugged' the first time he set foot outside the complex! Or the fact that the beach is on lockdown from 7pm.Looks like skinny-dipping is off the menu.If I was skinny I might be bothered.Also,I don't know if the armed guard at he entrance to paradise is a worry or a comfort to me.The best way to get around is by taxi.However, there are plenty of unofficial ones in the shape of pick-up trucks which are a whole lot cheaper.At least we will have unlimited food,drink and sunshine.As for the locals....'Let them eat cake'...but not mine!

King of the Road

2009-07-13T13:43:00.000-07:00

Mark Cavendish is a Tour De France star in the making.A sprinter extraordinaire.So far this year he has won over 80% of all sprints and finished 2nd in the rest.A native of the Isle of Man, he has a certain Scouse twang and (over)confidence about himself.He has not so far acknowledged any Scouse roots but they can't be too far away.Two hours on the Sea-Cat I suspect.His nickname is the Manx Missile and for once he takes time to explain his tactics and strategy.Nothing is left to chance.Guess that's why he wins so often.On Sunday the tour was in the Pyrenees, not far from the bull run in Pamplona.An opportunity missed.Maybe next year when I am not so unemployed.Also, the last testing stage on this years tour is the dreaded Mount Ventoux.It was on this mountain that our last TDF hero Tom Simpson died by riding himself to death.His last words were 'go on,go on'.Sadly his body wasn't listening.Vive le Tour.Funny how all the podium chicks are pretty white girls.

Sheik,Rattle and Roll

2009-06-23T15:40:00.000-07:00

It would appear by all accounts that some arab or other has just purchased a 60% stake in an unknown premier league club.And yet the press, whose job it is to find out, are singularly unmoved.Why will they not be moved?Is it because it is not Man U,Chelsea or Arsenal :or unlikely, but not impossibly, our bastard child?Well Liverpools Chairman has just resigned and the Secret Sheik has assumed the role of honourary Chairman.Looking at Evertons shareholdings;60% would account for 2 of our major shareholders(Kenwright included).It isn't Villa; they have a sugar daddy.It won't be Tottenhams 'Yid Army' for obvious reasons.Next in line Man City...they've just got some onboard..Wigan..nope....Fulham...they've got Mohammed 'de did Dodi do, didn't de do la' Al Fayed....We're starting to scrape the barrell now.West Ham..they've just been taken over by more bankrupt Icelandics...Portsmouth..they're just southern scummers...Stoke,Wolves,Burnley,Bolton,Blackburn....well you just wouldn't bother your arse with them.So it looks like it may be down to Everton or Liverpool.Could the Yanks bring themselves to work with an arab with more money than them.?.doubt it...could Kenwright offload to someone who doesn't live and breathe the club?...doubt it too.So who the chuff have they invested in, and why all the secrecy?...I'm still searching, religiously, for a clue!

Keep On Running!

2009-05-27T14:50:00.000-07:00

I suppose with the FA Cup Final upon us,some reminiscing is inevitable,as us Evertonians search around for omens that will lead to some long awaited silverware.As a club we have have generally done well down the years.Winning at least one trophy in every decade since we were formed, over 125 years ago, is no mean feat.This is our last chance to do so in the noughties.It has to happen.The Everton fan shown achieved notoriety back in 1966 for becoming the first pitch invader at Wembley; since the whole crowd invaded the pitch, when the Empire Stadium was opened back in 1923.A resident of Two Dogs,Eddie Cavanagh,known locally as 'Tithead' ,due to his loss of hair in later years, could not contain himself after Everton came from 2-0 down to beat Sheffield Wednesday 3-2 in the greatest ever FA Cup Final.What chance this happening again.The odds will be high,no doubt.
But the omens are good.In the Semi-Final that year Everton beat Man Utd(the same as this year) before going on to win the cup.It's got to be worth putting half a crown on!

It's A Heartache

2009-05-07T08:15:00.000-07:00

I've thought for some time now that referees are nowadays primarily there to change the outcome of games, not to referee them.Last night's display by Ovrebo on behalf of UEFA, merely confirmed that.He blatantly ignored a number of 'cast iron' penalty appeals by Chelsea with some bizarre decisions.As an Everton fan, I have lost count of how many times we have been on the receiving end of rough justice.It must happen at least half a dozen times a season.The Hellas Verona fans have a saying for it. 'A Figura di Merda'....loosely translated it means 'this shit happens too often', and ususally against teams with more infuence due to their stature.Clattenburg and Collina have been particularly effective exponents of this approach against the Toffees in recent times.Fortunately neither of them are no longer refereeing.There is no point protesting against it you Chelsea Headhunters,as you well know,the refs decision is final.Welcome to our world.

Wide Eyed and Legless

2009-05-05T16:32:00.000-07:00

Before leaving Belgium I had a score to settle.I had heard tell of a little bar down a short impasse(cul de sac in French!) called the Floris Bar.The attraction....... Absinthe.Being a lover of pernod,aniseed ,liquorice and being off my tits;I just had to find it.After two unhappy attempts(well it is in a cul de sac) I caught up with the place.There, in all their grandeur across two bars;over 300 different blends.I couldn't wait. Not wishing to take any chances I went striaght for the most expensive.7.50 euros.It was served with a spoon,lump of sugar(diabetic my arse) and a cute looking water carrier to allow it to be diluted to suit.This absinthe, called '1901' was absolutely delicious.With subtle flavours of aniseed, liquorice and more aniseed.After 15mins I was starting to get a stupid grin on my face, while feeling very mellow.The second was half the price,was blue in colour(?) and tasted like meths.But given that they were both 70 proof,I was, by now starting to feel very,very mellow and developing a 'vinegar strokes' style facial rictus.Mad,bad,and dangerous to know.I've got a bottle of the '1901' on order!

Its My Party

2009-03-25T14:13:00.000-07:00

Nivelles has recently had it's annual carnival.When I got wind of it, I was a bit sceptical.Belgians/Carnival;well you just don't associate boring Belgians with serious partying do you?Well it won't be no Rio, or so I thought.'Carnivals' in England usually go on for a day,then end up in a riot or a few stabbings.In Nivelles this was serious drinking and partying and more drinking and more partying and and and....
Day 1.The Friday.I got to the bar in the late evening.Most of the young ones were already the worse for wear.For the first time my instincts were telling me that trouble may be around the corner.It was.A young gobshite decided it was Ok to keep repeating "For sure....For sure" in my face. I humoured him.He kept up.I humoured him.As he was about to leave he decided to pour what was left of his drink into my drink.Not funny.Lord Roby had his adams apple between ones thumb and forefinger in no time.The security guy was over like a shot and turfed the gobshite out.Fortunately it was Lord Roby's local and he was the stranger! Lord Roby lasted til 1am and 'retired' pissed.I say retired because the beat of the music and drums was right outside, and below my gaff.It may as well have been in my bedroom!!
It ended at about 5am.At about the same time it started again for Day 2!The Saturday.Saturday I was up for it.An all day sesh!I did my best but was in bed with by midnight.It went on again until 5am.At which point Day 2 ended and Day 3 began.Where were these guys and girls putting it all.The drumming was incessant because everytime a costumed carnival goer moves,the tradition is that a drummer follows them.Even for a pee!The Sunday,Day 3,I had plans to drive into Germany.I had had no sleep for the second night, so I decided to go out for a coffee at 10am.
As I negotiated the drunks on my doorstep a Belgette confronted me with a free glass of Champagne.Some things I never refuse.As it happened I had a bottle of LP in the fridge.By midday I/we were blitzed on bubbly.This carnival just got better.The Belgettes were dangerously drunk by now.Lord Roby managed to slip off to bed for a couple of hours before the 'Parade' started.The parade was a 500 strong procession of various factions.Some men only ,some girls only,others for kids as well,and some parodies,like " Shalom Rabbi" which just repeated the same song and dance for days on end, all dressed in orthodox Jewish costume.
Sunday night I had to 'cool' it, as I had work the next day at 7am.No point.The partying went on in my absence.No sleep again.The party ended(thankfully) AT 5AM.Day 4.The Monday.This is the day for the locals to celebrate(as if they haven't already).The evening was a family affair, after a day of throwing thousands of blood oranges around.Day 4 ended with burning of effigies over birch twigs in a pagan stylee,while all the locals sang in tongues and swayed.It was all getting a bit like an episode of the Avengers.But nontheless pleasant.I got to bed at about midnight.The party went on.No sleep again.The drumming was by now monotonous in the extreme.
I got home on Tuesday,Day 5 and it was still going on.It ended at 8pm with a firework display right outside my window.I had survived it.
This carnival is repeated on consecutive weekends throughout Spring,albeit in different towns,for 3 months...to banish the Winter.Who says the Belgians are boring!

Great Big Kiss

2009-03-01T10:28:00.000-08:00

Well the inevitable finally happened. A Belgian kiss! I didn't even ask for it or give him permission.I just leaned forward to hear him a bit better, amongst the noise of the carnival.Honest! And he took this bob as a come on.I'm worried now that if I bump into him tonight, for round two of the carnival, that he will expect me to return the 'favour'.Am I now his Belgian Bitch?. It's been 5 months in coming.Is there a waiting list for Belgian kisses?Do you have to earn your lips? As luck would have it there quite a few more today.Thankfully they were all from Belgettes.Strange then that all this affection should come after my first run-in with a local gobshite the night before.I guess the Carnival brings out the best and the worst in some people.Vive La carnival.

The Message

2009-02-25T13:50:00.000-08:00

"Broken glass....nowhere....people pissin on the floor you know they just don't care." Well it is Belgium after all.Men AND women are partial to a bit of what us Brits refer to as indecent exposure.The main difference between driving to work every morning here and in Two Dogs is the total absence of broken glass as a result of local Hedz or Neds (as they are called in Glasgow) smashing up as many bus shelters as they fancy.I also don't have to worry about walking alone anywhere at night.In fact I seem to be the only person out on the street after 10pm.I don't know if there is a voluntary curfew, or whether the kids here are kept well in check by good parenting.But it is a total pleasure to walk out at night without worrying about what gathering you may happen across,and whether you should make a detour to avoid it.After 16 the kids are allowed in the pubs whereas in England they are completely cast adrift.Those that don't/won't work don't have anywhere else to inhabit.Consequently they don't have much to lose.The message.Look after the kids and they just might look after you!.... P.S The bus shelters do stink of pish though!!

Train In Vain

2009-02-09T12:35:00.000-08:00

So it was off to the Alps for the weekend.These are the things that you can do when living in central Europe.Just catch a TGV and in 4 hours you're there.Except in an effort to compromise,I decided to stop short of the high alps in favour of more leisure(beer) time in Chambery.Well how was I to know that Bourg St Maurice at the end of the line, was the last stop for Val D'Isere! How was I to know the World Downhill Skiing Championships were going on that very weekend! Chambery was deserted.Guess were everyone was and I wasn't?All I had to do was stay on the train an hour or two longer and I would have been trailing in the wake of Franz Klammer,Patrick Tomba, and Harti Weirather....I may have even got a glimpse of Anya Pearson....all this with the late David Vine's dulcet tones filling my head with nostalgia.Except it didn't happen.I didn't do my usual homework before booking a trip.This time, more than any other time, I paid a high price for my ignorance.It was still a pleasant weekend but it could have been so much more.At least I know where Val D'Isere is now.Pity David Vine didn't spell it out, all them 'Ski Sunday' years ago!

Germ Free Adolescents

2009-02-05T16:00:00.000-08:00

Lord Roby has been ill recently.Very ill indeed.At the height/depth of this maladie things were a tad desperate.As I travelled home on the Monday evening, wondering why I was shaking all over, I decided to top up on fuel.I unwittingly gave my card in and then proceeded to drive away without paying.Upon arrival at my apartment it dawned on me that as well as a nasty virus,I was also experiencing my first attack of hypoglyceamia.The thing with this is;the tank is almost empty but like a 'replicant' you don't know exactly when the axe will fall.I searched in vain for Lucozade.None to be found. Off to the supermarket for Gatorade.On the way I stopped to get some cash.No card! Back to the apartment for loose change.Up 3 flights of stairs.Getting weaker by the second.Off to the local Co-Op.NoGatorade.Cakes perchance.Off to the pattiserie.All patisseries shut on Monday, as they are open all day Sunday.Getting seriously delirious by now.Stumbling along as if I'm pissed,mumbling cake,cake,cake!Then from nowhere as if by magic I am approached by two young very cute Belgettes.After explaining I was English and didn't understand a word she had said,the cuter of the two asked me 'If I thought her friend was pretty' !!! Ordinarily this may have led to a rather pleasant exchange.Except in this instance it was my turn to ask them if they had any sweets!! They didn't.I guess I may have inadvertantly hit upon the way to a Belgettes heart.Act pissed and repeat the word 'Cake' over and over.I returned to my apartment, Co-op cake in hand to find myself locked out!! Game Over.

Identity

2009-01-28T10:21:00.000-08:00

How ironic, that the week after Lord Roby should receive his Belgian ID Card, that he should be told he is leaving Belgium in the near future.I swore I would never carry an ID Card in the UK on principle.But somehow it doesn't seem so much of an issue over here.At least I'm too old for national service.While I am on the subject of identity,the Belgians have a little quirk with which they can identify each other in the presence of the French.You see when the French count above 69 they say 60-10(soixante -dix),60-11,60-12 etc.The Belgians won't have this,they have invented Septant.And so they count accordingly; Septant Un (71),Septant Deux (72) etc.So next time you are in Belgium,Soixante-Neuf is fine,but Soixante Dix is a no-no.Well I suppose it would be!
P.S. The man in the picture is NOT Lord Roby.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go

2009-01-28T09:58:00.000-08:00

Driving in Belgium can be bad for your health.First off they have a strange priority from the right thing going on.Not everywhere, but only in certain circumstances.If you see a crossroads sign, then beware because it means somebody can drive straight into you from a minor road to your right and you are to blame! Secondly Belgians are the most ignorant drivers I have come across.There is no way they will allow you onto 'their' motorway.They will see you nestled in the crash barrier on the slip road before they will give way.And finally Belgian drivers have no respect for pedestrian crossings.On many occasions I have been half way across the road only to look right and see a car speeding towards me.Now, I wait until there is nothing on the horizon before I step out.Well you live and learn.

Police On My Back

2009-01-11T05:26:00.000-08:00

Last night Lord Roby had a close shave.After a few beers 5 33cls(trente-trois' in Belgie) in Brussels over a 4 hour period, I had to decide whether to drive the car from the station or use Shanks' Pony.The weather and the Toffees being on Match of the Day in a few minutes meant I was behind the wheel and off.About half way into the 5 minute journey I was passed by the local plod.This was the last thing I needed.I watched in my rear view mirror as they performed the obligatory u-turn.I was on the radar.It was time to get my foot down.I reached the road I needed to park up in only to find it blocked due to the local market!! It was time to rely on my wits and a couple of jiggers to get me to my apartment.I managed to get parked up and out of the car about 10 seconds before the plod cars headlights came in to view.There was only 1 thing left to do.Walk back towards the car.Well they would be looking for someone heading away from the car surely.This classic double bluff meant they shot past me to the badly parked car ahead, torches in hand and carried on away from me in pursuit of the culprit.Match of the day was ditched in favour of a classic double calvados.Phew! Next time I will walk.

Let's Talk About Sex.

2009-01-05T11:50:00.000-08:00

I guess most of you out there know that that learning a new language can be quite daunting.Particularly when you have nobody to back you up when you get stuck.Even more so when you are angry,like this morning when my taxi was over 2 hours late!You just don't have the ammunition to give them both barrells when you most need to.But when the language is French and you have the added problem of sex..; it can be even more trying.You see all French nouns are either masculine or feminine.I say Un Baguette..they say Une Baguette Monsieur?....I say Un Saucisson....they say Une Saucisson Monsieur?....I say Le Kalashnikov....They say La Kalashnikov Monsieur?....
Am I the butt of some Wallonian game?.....Hide Le Saucisson maybe....sorry.... La Saucisson....How on earth can anyone consider baguettes,sausages and kalashnikov rifles to be feminine is beyond the realms of my understanding.Vive le/la Grenouilles!

I Am The Fly

2008-12-15T13:10:00.000-08:00

I am not sure if this post is a testimony to my exquisite observational powers or my descent into madness....but you see, I have been in Belgium since September and have yet to see an insect other than one dead Ladybird,which was caught up in some plans so may well have been imported from blighty.My flat comes with baguette bits all over the kitchen and should be a breeding ground for the blighters.But not even a money spider...no run-ins with Daddy-Long-Legs in season,no scary beasties with legs like Lisa Snowden,not even a Moth never mind a Cockroach.No ants or their flying cousins.What the hell is going on here.I know it's now winter but that's no excuse in blighty.Are all Belgians closet insects....are they insects in disguise....there are some very pretty one's if they are! I am determined to get to the bottom of this...All this and I have yet to sample any of the 200 varietals of Absinthe in the Fleur bar in Brussels.I will keep you posted!

9 Inch Nails

2008-12-14T10:19:00.000-08:00

Lord Roby chose to go native today.First up a 'Tarte da Djote' pronounced Jot.It is the local speciality for Nivellians(who are actually known as Aclots(Nails in English).This tart is made with fermented cheese and beet leaves and very fermented cheese.Under the bed fermentation is not unknown.I had my reservations.After 2 mouthfulls I had regrets.It was very very pungent and very sickly.I managed to eat half of a 9" tart with the help of some ketchup and Perrier.Never again!..The reason natives of Nivelles are called Nails goes back to medieval times when the city portal was under siege and the word went out to get more nails to batten down the hatches.After this it was off to the Christmas market.An impressive affair which involved marquees and a section with in the Cathedral trancepts.After a few free tastings Lord Roby could not resist a bottle or two of wine and a stick of pepperoni.All in all a very satisfying day so far.After the tastings Lord Roby is still a bit tiddly,so is it wine and TV or wine and Irish Bar?...I'll let you know later,

Maybe I'm a Maesed!

2008-12-10T10:18:00.000-08:00

A few nights ago Lord Roby called into the 'local' for a demi litre of his favourite Belgian draght beer 'Maes'...After a few it was about 10pm and time for bed.The 6am alarm clock was already ringing in my ears.As I was finishing the dregs a local guy turned up with his guitar.Within 15 mins the place was bouncing.If the locals weren't singin along they where clapping or smiling.Lord Roby assumed the position and chose to play the bar congas. I was going nowhere.The party went on and on.The only songs I knew apart from a couple of Elvis ones were Tainted Love(sang very nasally) and a great rendition of Rock a Billy Boogie which apart from being a fave of mine is also a song I have never heard on the radio or in a club...in fact nowhere apart from my own record/cd player.A great time was had by ALL.The bar owner could not wipe the smile from his face.Well it was all free entertainment.Yet again Belgium has come up trumps.Good clean fun in a bar in a late 60's early 70's style.Lord Roby left about midnight fearing the dreaded alarm clock a few hours later but glowing with the simple pleasure a good old fashioned knees-up brings.

Like a Virgin

2008-12-02T12:46:00.000-08:00

It has come to my attention that there is a lot of fuss over here.... and there, about Beaujolais Nouveau.So Lord Roby has decided to become a trendy wendy for a night and review this years crop for you.As Ali G once said.'If there's grass on the pitch ...Lets play'.....The nose....fruity.....The taste young...The nose .....fruity.....The taste even younger.....The nose...very young....The taste....very very fruity...Slpp.Slpp.Slpp.... Petulant....You bet......Hell this reminds me of the night I lost my virginity,except I can't remember how long ago that was and I'm sure it cost me more than 2.69 Euros...Dr Sir Les Patterson you would love it.With me?

Music and Light

2008-12-02T12:28:00.000-08:00

Shortly after Everton beat Spurs on Sunday Lord Roby came upon The Grand Place and was stopped dead in his tracks by the annual son et lumiere display that is Brussels at Christmas.I was unable to take my eyes or attention off it for a second. Surely this is what displays and celebrations of Christmas should be like, not the shitty steel coathanger crumby chrimbo tree that is Church Street, Liverpool.At the time Lord Roby was gagging for a beer.What a dilemma.The solution....A 5.50 euro beer in the bar opposite.Very much pole position I might add.Next week I will be taking a 5.50 euro six pack!!...Do youselves a favour and check out the display in all its glory on YouTube if you dont plan to go there yourself.

Stranded

2008-11-25T11:30:00.000-08:00

Last Sunday proved rather trying for Lord Roby and his new found friends.After landing at Schipol,Amsterdam ; the Dutch rail network went bismark.My first inkling was that I did not recognise the stations on the itinerery from my usual ones.I started to convince myself Bossum was dutch for Brussels.Big mistake.I was non-plussed enough to ask a nice young man if I was on the right train.I was, but he told me we had to change two stops down the line, to catch the international train.Nobody had warned of this.I decided to stick close to the man with the plan.Two stops down the line everything went pear shaped.Stuck in a remote station in the snow and all mainline trains cancelled due to a crash!! After half an hour looking at the increasing worried passengers around me I decided to ask the man with the plan to scout for a guard.No luck,all we found was a computer terminal.Ditto...no more trains for us.Our only chance was to wait for a minor train and nail the guard.Bingo.He told us we had to get 3 more trains to Rotterdam! Once there we would be OK provided we were not too late! Every train was jammed Tokyo stylee,but me and my new found friends(a scouser!...a dutch junior doctor and two chinese girls who thought it was all great fun)
were lookin out for each other.Holdin open train doors and finding room where there was none.By the time we hit Rotterdam in good time, it was jars out over a few beers to Brussels.Unfortunately the two chinese girls missed the boat at the eleventh hour.We went looking for them but a last minute platform change sealed their giggly fate. What did I get out of it?.That companionship in adversity thing and at least two new friends.One I will probably meet again, Doctor Marcus who saved our collective bacon, I probably won't....But a strangely pleasant experience nontheless....

Cigarettes and Alcohol

2008-11-16T07:53:00.000-08:00

Lord Roby has spent quite a lot of his free time recently in Belgian Bars.There are many similarities to English Bars of old.The bars in Belgium are very inclusive and welcoming of all ages.Thats not to say those in England aren't.But the emphasis is totally different.The bars over here are for meeting people you either know or don't.Many Belgians meet in bars to play board games over a few drinks.In England it seems to be the emphasis is on getting drunk.You know drink,get drunk,dring some more,get blind drunk.Drink some more.In Belgium the beer is much stronger...consequently they tend to savour it..drinking beer more slowly.There is also a complete absence of malice regardless of how much alcohol has been consumed.So far I have not seen a single incident of aggression or otherwise.Just happy smiley people.The only problem is every one of them to a man or woman smokes like a chimney.I vaguely remember skittles being played in an English pub and had great fun playing Bar Billiards in a bar in Manchester in the 80's.Alas it is now more a case of pool or quiz machines.Pool causes fights and quiz machines just pass the time while relieving you of large amounts of money.Never trust an electronic game as the processor is holding all the cards.I'm off out now for some more Wallonic irrigation and fussball !!!!

Top Toffees 3

2008-11-16T07:32:00.000-08:00

When it comes to picking your best all time 11 for your favourite football team,disputes invariably break out.But when to comes to Everton left-backs the answer is always the same.Ray Wilson.His real name is Ramon.Unusual name for a boy from Huddersfield,WestYorkshire.He represented England on many occasions and notably in the World Cup Final of 1966.He is one of the guys along with Geoff Hurst holding Bobby Moore aloft in the famous picture that has since been converted to a sculpture in Bobby Moores honour.I suppose the untimate honour for Ramon would have been to embalm Bobby after his untimely death from cancer.You see, when Ray retired from football he returned to his first love,undertaking! His business thrives in Huddersfield to this day.As for Huddersfield;Lord Roby had the misfortune to work there for many years.A more miserable monochrome place you will not to encounter.Grey people, living in a grey place devoid of any humour.Perfect surroundings for an exquisite undertaker.I guess it takes all sorts!

The Ace of Spades

2008-11-05T12:39:00.000-08:00

On a day when a black man finally ruled the world and we all rejoiced;I thought I'd enlighten all four of you with a lesson in black Belgian folklore.Belgian kids are brought up to believe Santa is from Spain and is assisted in his chores by big ugly blacked-up, white guys called Pete.Zwarte Pete(Black Pete) is used to get the kids to behave.If kids end up on Petes naughty list, he will beat the shit out of them on Santas behalf! If they are worse than naughty, they risk being bundled into a sack and taken to Spain to make toys for the good kids!! Is it any wonder the poor tykes end up growing up, terrified of anyone with a black face.To look at the guy even I wouldn't say 'Zwarte Pete' three times in front of a mirror.So don't worry land of the free;when it comes to scary black guys.....Belgium got there first.

Cinq Evan 4 Petit Filles

2008-10-27T13:04:00.000-07:00

As Chaz Az once warbled.....Lord Roby was viciously assaulted twice in the space of 20 minues in downtown Wallonia a few evenings ago.Shortly after entering a local hostelry by the name of "The Pilgrim" (no less).Lord Roby, after explaining that he had prior knowledge of a house of the same name in the backwaters of Liverpool,was assaulted with a potion of strange looking liquor.Amber in colour and barely above freezing point.He was obliged to swallow this liquid known locally as the "Duvels Brew" by a man known only as "Le Proprietor".Once this ordeal was "over" a copycat event occured.Two local studettes, reading scriptures from a strange looking tome,approached the by now light headed Lord Roby and demanded he chant verses in tongues(his native tongue); from this ghastly bible.Lord Roby duly obliged.Yet again, immediately after succumbing to this ordeal, a further yard of this potion was proferred.Not more icey yellow filth to imbibe.Was this ever going to end.Whats more, the Duvels Daughters where getting rather too close for comfort.The thought of Lady Roby analysing my cojones for earring piercings was enough to make one exit stage left; feeling very mellow and slightly bemused by this unsolicited attention.Vive Le Baps!!

Dirty

2008-10-21T11:56:00.000-07:00

Things in Wallonia ain't all beer and chocolates.The locals do have some strange ways.One of which is eating cakes with a knife and fork!....The dirty bastards.Another is the fact that they would quite willingly eat Red Rum or Mr Ed!....The dirty bastards.A third is a 'dish' called American.The only thing that sets this food apart from dog food is that at least dog food has some taste.It also has no smell.Oh! and it's also served cold...The dirty bastards.But the one thing that I will never understand is their predeliction for inspecting their own shite every morning.The WC's are designed to facilitate this by having a dainty little Royal Doulton ledge upon which to catch their morning constitutional.Inspection is obligatory....The dirty bastards.In fact I am contemplating a blog bubble to participate in this sport.No narrative,just a picture of the days offerings with a caption along the lines of ..'Kop for this one,I nearly choked on this little beauty;the extractor just couldn't cope.'The blog title "Mi Merda Tu Merda"

Shakin All Over

2008-10-18T04:51:00.000-07:00

One of the things about living and working in Wallonia is the importance they make of meeting and greeting.A handshake is obligatory.Kisses are just for the born and bred.If I am attending a meeting the first five minutes are spent walking around the table shaking hands with everybody.The thing is, it is something I have always been big on.It really does engender commaraderie.The kisses are very disconcerting.I'm sure if my lingo improves then one of the locals might just try it on.Even though it might be flattering a "Kirkby Kiss" will be the most likely retort!

Stay Free

2008-10-13T13:10:00.000-07:00

Well done Lord Roby.On the back of desperately high blood pressure and the onset of dibetes; and a less than impressive recent career history,I got the job.Now firmly ensconced in Wallonia and mightily impressed by the place too! I'm sure the place has it's problems,but a problem here is a solution back in Two Dogs. I could go on about the place for hours,but the overriding pleasure is the unfettered existence I now ENJOY.Its such a simple pleasure but one which I had forgotten existed.Liberty Egality Fraternity is the glue of this society,defended to the hilt by it's participants.No cameras,no parking restrictions,no speed 'control' measures.In fact I have only encountered ONE traffic light in over two weeks.Needless to say it got me.I have also been afforded a nice apartment just a stones-throw from the Grand Place.As if this wasn't enough the owners have installed a velux window in my living room, which enables me to admire the efforts of the local ballerinas, in the dance school opposite while quaffing a glass of claret.Boy do they work up a sweat!!!.....Vive La Difference!

New Dawn Fades

2008-09-22T14:54:00.000-07:00

20/20 vision did nothing to make up for the disappointment of 220/110 BP reading. Yes 220/110!!And I couldn't have been more chilled.Is it just my metabolism or could be my inactivity, coupled with rapid weight gain?(not to be confused with rapid weight loss,which is usually fatal).The banana I ate an hour before my medical made no bastard difference whatsoever. Potassium my arse!! I guess medication beckons: if I want to live to be gored by a Maura Bull in Pamplona on my 50th birthday.I don't know about bananas I'll need a rocket up my jacksie on July 11th 2009 at 8.01am. I guess my new career is all down to my blood test results on Wednesday.I wonder if I tell him it's a DSS 'Get your arse offa Incapacity Benefit' medical he'll sign me off 'fit for work'.You know what I think it just might work.Come on you Lipids!!
The doctor is a Nigerian chappie...if all else fails he might be partial to a bung!!

Lord Roby of Wallonia

2008-09-21T06:34:00.000-07:00

It would appear from all recent indicators that Lord Roby may soon be on a soujourn to Wallonia.I've been asked to declare my overall size and shoe size and have also been asked to attend a medical.Does this mean I can actually go back to work? Well in Belgium,a founder member of the EU the answer is no!! I need a work permit.They don't call them work permits,they call them Limosa's(sound like a top cocktail to me).But since I have to forward my details including my passport number,then present myself in person at Wallonia Town Hall, with a copy of my birth certificate,marriage licence and contract of employment for inspection, prior to being allowed to start work;this seems like a work permit to me.Maybe Gordo and his boys at the Home Office in downtown Liverpool could learn a thing or two from our fellow EU members about quelling immigration.Let's face it, if one of our own has to jump through so many hoops then moose-heads should have no chance.
Another feature of the whole employment process is the need to have a medical.To this end Lord Roby has been de-toxing for the last few days.No mean feat I tell you.First to go was the coffee.This was the toughest.Plenty of weird tingles and aches.Then it was the alcohol.After the coffee this was plain sailing.The only disappointment was waking up on Sunday morning knowing that it was the best I was going to feel all day!!The medical is at 2:30 on Monday.I should be well into the 'crack' pipe by sundown.

Gypsies,Tramps and Thieves

2008-09-12T02:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had the misfortune to learn of Linda Buchanan.Linda,58 was waiting for a train at Farningham Road station, when she asked a fellow 'traveller' if he would refrain from smoking.Shortly after she found herself with multiple bruises and a fractured wrist,while laying perilously close to the electrified rail;with the 7:57 fast approaching!!
Ionel Rapisca,from Kent,and an immigrant of East European extraction has been charged with GBH(that all!!).
Lord Roby has had the misfortune to come across these types,on the odd occasion.You need not ask their origin; they all have unfeasibly large heads not unlike that of an encephalytic moose.If one of them ever asks me for a light I will be getting out of Two Dogs sharply.
Seriously though,lets just put this down in the category of 'Things an Englishman Would Never Do'.
Rapisca..('ca' is pronounced 't' in Albanian by the way), is due up before the beak on 5th November.At least they got something right!Hands up those who would like to throw this moose-head on top of the nearest bommie come bonfire night.

Lifes a Gas

2008-09-08T13:04:00.000-07:00

It would appear from some rumblings of late that it is the Veggies who will inherit the Earth.Since the latest culprits, in the damnation of planet Earth due to gaseous overload, is us carnivores.This sounds like a stealth tax coupled with a nanny state hidden agenda behind it if ever there was one.I can definitely smell a 'Carnivore Tax' in the offing.If we all become veggies overnight, we will all be reducing our gaseous footprint,since all our food will now be served cold;the cow will cease to exist,methane will no longer poison planet Earth at an alarming rate and we will all be saved.Halle-effin-luah!We will also no longer die of red-meat cancer or calcium calcification of the arteries.(We never did learn how to digest that milk stuff anyway!!)
Alternatively, we can ignore the rhetoric,buy a cow each,have a plentiful supply of milk and sirloin steak,dispense with the lawnmower and give Putins gas the fingers;because we can all keep warm with the strike of a match anywhere within six feet of the nearest cows arse!!!

Top Toffees 2

2008-08-31T13:38:00.000-07:00

The David France Collection

David France grew up in Widnes,Cheshire in a two up-two down terraced house that had one cold water tap,one electric light and one nail; to hold up the tin bath on the outhouse wall! He was a slow learner and in fact did not learn to read until the age of 14.However, once he got to grips with himself academically there was no stopping him.He eventually gained a few university degrees followed by a PhD in Chemical Engineering,specialising in hydrogen combustion.His work came to the attention of NASA who made sure of engaging his services by asking Senator Edward Kennedy no less to sponsor his Green Card.It would appear that all the money he made during his time as a rocket scientist was destined for only one purpose.Buying up almost the entire history of Everton Football Club.The collection is now in the hands of a trust to ensure it is never broken up.Some of the items are now on display in the Picton Library in Liverpool ,where I came across it, by chance while looking at JJ Audobons 'Birds of America'; another priceless artefact.Just how much time and effort David put in locating programmes from the 1880's only he knows.I suppose the fact the Everton FC invented programmes, as well as championship medals may have helped a little.But just where do you find a season ticket from 1881-1882 season, which even pre-dates the formation of the Football League is beyond me.And who bothered to keep it in the first place for posterity.David France I take my mortar board off to you;a Top Toffee and a gentleman who took the trouble to throw a party for my friends while they where in Houston,Texas for a pre-season friendly not so long ago.

Less Than Zero

2008-08-26T16:17:00.000-07:00

It is now some 6 weeks since Lord Roby joined the rank and file of the proletariat by succumbing to the temptations of mass unemployment.It's been a very frustrating ride so far.If it were a roller coaster,it would be called CRAVASSE PARK; because it's the only ride I have ever been on that has no ups... only downs! A bizarre soul destroying game of Snakes and Snakes and even more Snakes.The1st down was being told I did not qualify for Job-Seekers Allowance because Baroness Roby earns £99.99 per week helping out part-time at the local medical centre.Apparently, this is above the Department of Work survival threshold for a family of three or more! I doubt Winston Smith could have survived on this back in 1984. Alright then hows about Income Support? Cracked it;this one ain't means tested.Sorry 2nd Down;this one is only available to the single parent families and the "sick".The third down was being offered a lifeline of possible help with my mortgage payments.3rd down....this help is only available to proles on Job Seekers or Income Support!! Next up, how about Council Tax benefit.Surely they can't expect you to pay £120 per month out of four times £99.99.Don't bank on it.The department responsible for this has so far taken over 4 months to assess my claim.So far, they have told me the Robys don't qualify because we have an income of over £500 per week and accused Lady Roby of fraud for claiming benefits while working part-time!! The irony of it.4th Down.This is now..."on appeal".But we ain't holding our breath. For someone who has worked and never claimed unemployment benefits, since leaving school in 1975, this is really hard to swallow.Where is the safety net?..Just why have I been paying my contributions all these years? I just can't wait to get a job....claiming benefits is just too much like hard work.

Hanging Around

2008-08-22T07:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was GCSE results day in Quaff Castle,and a good one it was too! Lady Amy exceeded her expectations, so it was off to the local 6th Form college for enrolment day.Upon arrival it was apparent that this was not going to be a walk in the park.Throngs of Two Dogs finest had descended upon the establishment.Strangely about 80% of the arrivals were scholettes! Undercroft a plenty!This bore all the hallmarks of a potential ordeal for Lord Roby.So I exited left for a bacon sarnie and left Baroness Roby and Lady Amy to their own devices.Upon my return some 30 minutes later my family were nowhere to be found.There was nothing Lord Roby could do but stand in the reception area and wait.You don't realise how hard it is to spend 90minutes looking nonchalant in the face of severe temptation.Lord Roby lost count of the number of times he reassured the security guards of his noble intentions.Me the 14th Earl of Roby engaging teenage nyphettes surely not!!
Let just say if the day was a bottle of wine it would have to be a Semillon!!

Working Class Hero

2008-08-18T15:48:00.000-07:00

The Olympics always draws me in to the most unusual places.Fortunately a lot of the live stuff is late morning when there's nothing much going on anyway. So I end up being enthralled by Canoeing,Archery and Badminton etc.Sports I wouldn't normally take a blind bit of notice of.Some Olympic "sports" such as football and tennis which I would normally watch, I couldn't give a rats-ass about because they don't deserve to be there.
Boxing though has always been a must.In Davie Price,Boxing and Liverpool has a star in the making.A true salt of the earth working class hero.When he beat the No 1 contender Islam Timurziev,he ran around the ring shouting............................ 'Bastard,Bastarrd,Bastarrrd'. His post fight media event was even better."No one does that to him,arl granite jaw,I caught him wid me Sunday punch".And so he did,knocked im into the middler next week! Davie won again today.He is now guaranteed a medal.Let's hope it's a good one, without any tears.

Career Opportunities

2008-08-15T03:10:00.000-07:00

Lord Roby has been on a sabbatical.A torrid one at that.The sabbatical has involved spending all day every day of the past 8 days trying to obtain gainful employment.It really is a full time job trying to get one.First off you have to try and determine which are the blag internet jobs and which are real.Tip.Those that appear in papers and journals are always real.They've been paid for.The rest are all likely to be blag!
On Tuesday,Lord Roby actually got an offer for a job on Ireland."We'd like to offer you the post,we just need to agree a rate.We'll be back to you in a few hours." Miriam Sharkey said.Two days later,no reply.On Thursday I rang them.They rang back an hour later to say that the client would not accept my CV!!!Stroll on! Is this code? Should the client have been shown my CV before them making me an offer? Is it just the way they operate in Ireland? Nevertheless you just have to keep your pecker up and plough on.However,when you can't cover your bills and the wolves have their tongues through your letter box things start to get scary.I'm now applying for jobs in Milan and Japan! Am I suffering from no-job neurosis? Yosser Hughes would be proud of me.I'm even thinking of applying for a job as a meter-reader.Could Lord Roby become the first minimum wage proffessional? Anyone out there know the current cost of a gross of Paracetomol? Being self employed is a breeze compared to dealing with all the tossers in the employment game,maybe I should stop bitching and go back to it.

The Bitterest Pill

2008-08-06T15:22:00.000-07:00

Thankfully now that Destination Kirkby has been called in by the Government it appears that Everton may now be staying put at Goodison Park if not forever but for another two years or so at least.Personally I cannot imagine Everton playing anywhere but Goodison Park and it was beyond my comprehension to go anywhere near a dump like Kirkby to watch them regardless.However,Liverpool City Councils behaviour with regard to the Goodison Park situation has been a disgrace from Day 1.Our original enquiry to occupy a sliver of Stanley Park to alleviate parking problems was widely condemned due to the fact that Stanley Park was a listed site and as such any encroachment was quite simply a complete non-starter.Move on a year or two and our bastard child puts in an application to build a new ground on said listed park.They don't want a sliver;they want half the precious park.Guess what?They get it.At this point even 'Private Eye' started to sit up and take notice and accused the City Council,the majority of whom were Dark-Side season ticket holders,of being a tad partisan. Move on a few years and Everton have the chance of a new state of the art facility in an outlying suburb at an affordable cost.What do the City Council do but object on the grounds that business will be lost.The City Council then agree to endorse a modified i.e. smaller ground and scheme.However, once the scheme is approved by local planners,the city council then renege on their earlier promise not to object and ask for the proposal to be called in!!! I guess it's all in a days work for a politician.I guess the writing was on the wall when Everton were denied planning permission to build a new exclusive housing estate on prime land owned by the club in West Derby;by guess who? You've guessed it.Liverpool City Council.Funny how the Capital of Culture 08 logo was also in the colours of our beloved neighbour.The same colours as the rags of shirts we left behind, when we vacated Analfield all those years ago.

Shot By Both Sides

2008-08-03T11:27:00.000-07:00

Now I do like a good conspiracy theory, 9/11,the Titanic,Walking on the Moon bring them on.One of the ones I like best though, is the one involving Jeffry Archer and Jill Dando.It would appear that Ms Dando used to live not far from Angela Peppiatt and bore a remarkable resemblance to her and even driving the same BMW.But what did Jill Dando ever do to Lord Jeffrey Archer.Nothing.Sweet FA.What then did Angela do to Lord Archer; apart from being instrumental in getting Jeffrey sent down for perjury, by producing a 'missing' diary; probably nothing any other PA wouldn't do for him.And didn't Monica Coghlan also die in mysteriously tragic circumstances after pointing the finger at Jeffrey in court.Mmmm.I wonder.And what a classic line from Barry Bulsara."It couldn't have been me,I was stalking someone else at the time!" Or is he just The Great Pretender.I guess we will never know.

Madness,Madness,They Call It Madness

2008-07-31T14:59:00.000-07:00

This forum was not created to extol the virtues of the Dark Side,our bastard child from over the park,but I am getting increasingly concerned for their welfare.Are they all suffering from Rafa Benittis,Repetitive Never Again Injury,Delusions of Grandeur.The spend is now up to at least £300 million and they are no nearer winning the league than 20 years ago.The latest poaching is Keane at somewhere near £40million all-in (including the pay off to appease the injured party).Let's face it,Tottenham were the last club who were going to refuse more money to keep quiet! And Barry; a 'steal' at £20 million without the salary and pay off!These would appear to be the actions of a desperado.If I was Stevie Gee Laaa, I would looking for a new club to poach me,come the January transfer window."Easyjet for Rafa." The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.Well there's always next season.Also to all the armchair fans out there; the players aren't really 4 inches tall!!!

The Female of The Species

2008-07-29T15:35:00.000-07:00

It would appear from todays news bulletins that we are about to create a new crime.The heinous offence of 'premeditated manslaughter'.The accent in this case is definitely on the man bit.Lets say there's a bit of trouble and strife in the relationship,throw in a bit of PMT for good measure,decide that this is a good time to off your old man and hey Bob's yer uncle.The missus can now claim provocation and end up receiving compo for all her trauma.Is there an offence of 'premeditated womanslaughter'? I think not.You see the generally held view is that only men commit domestic violence.Bollocks! Misogyny is definitely a man thing.It must be, as it has no feminine counterpart.The nearest etymologically you will get to it is Misandry,but it aint in my Oxford English Dictionary and I doubt very few have ever encountered the word.Why would they because women don't ever hate men.Why would they?

Hot In The City

2008-07-27T15:57:00.001-07:00

It would appear from an article I read today that all is not well in the scientific community over climate change and the way the temperature data is collected and evaluated.The data most widely cited as being representative is that supplied by James Hansen of Nasa's Goddard Institute for Space Studies.Hansen is an ally of Al Gore, the Nobel prize 'winner'.However,other equally emminent organisations are now challenging the validity of GISS' data.Namely,that they are the only ones to rely on surface based data as well as satellite readings.Strangely some of the surface based sensors would appear to be in rather dubious locations i.e. asphalt car parks or local to air-conditioning outlets!...Now I wonder if this would skew the data?

Gorey Al has always appeared to champion this theory that although the planet has been cooling for the last 4.5 billion years it has suddenly started to heat up in the last 100 years since we began collecting data! A leading French scientist has called Gorey Al a 'crook' for presiding over an eco-business that pumps out cash.And what a tax gatherer it is.Accuse people of creating too much of something that can't be seen or measured and then proceed to tax them to death for doing it!
A programme on Channel 4 recently challenging global warming was watched by 2.7 million people and received some 250 odd complaints.When it was judged by the broadcasting complaints commission it was accused of doing untold damage and setting back the global warming crusade years.Thankfully the commission found in Channel 4's favour and defended their right to make thought provoking documentaries.No doubt the commissioner will soon be found burnt at some eco-friendly stake and accused of suicide in a government scientist style.
Lord Roby is now off to burn some stubble on his estate.Yippee!

Top Toffees

2008-07-23T15:16:00.000-07:00

Leonard Rossiter was born in the Edge Hill district of Liverpool.He always got off on coming from Edge Hill; and went on to become one of my favourite comedy actors. The fact that he was an Evertonian, who was on the clubs 'books' at one time also helped. He was captain of his school cricket and football teams and once scored all 11 goals for the school team in an 11-0 win! He was at his best in Rising Damp as the lecherous (Rupert) Rigsby and used to indulge his passion for Everton by dressing up the on-set skeleton in a blue and white scarf and bobble hat on occasion.However as a performer,he was a perfectionist and gave his co-actors a torrid time.So much so that one of his co-stars,Don Warrington, wanted to teach him a lesson and challenged him to a game of squash, with the intent of wiping the floor with the much older 'Rigsby'.Little did he know that our Leonard was also a very handy County squash player! It was Don who ended up in a heap at the back of the court with Leonard barely breaking sweat.
An Evertonian until the day he died and a worthy inductee to the Two Dogs Toffees Hall of Fame.

Camera Camera

2008-07-19T09:29:00.000-07:00

I was caught behind a white van last night while travelling to my local Oddbins, for my regular Friday night bottle of claret.His bumper screamed at me 'WELL DRIVEN IF NOT RING THIS NUMBER' Of course it wasn't being well driven.But would anybody seriously bother their arse to ring up and have him sacked.As if it's not bad enough having a tracker fitted just in case you can't be picked up by a CCTV or traffic camera; your boss now wants to enlist the help of any other driver you might encounter to judge your performance.Are any other professions persecuted like this I wonder? Does your average whore have "WELL BATTERED" tattooed on her backside?Does your local gigolo have" WELL HUNG" on his lower abs? Is your pole-dancer obliged to be "WELL SLITHERED"? I guess not.
You may not realise it, but all this layered persecution does take it's toll.It was only when I was in Venice for a Christmas weekend a few years back that I realised that something was amiss.I actually became aware that I wasn't being watched or directed at every possible juncture.It felt really liberating as it should.There where no traffic lights(obviously) and only three signs in the whole of Venice!St Marks Square and the Rialto Bridge being two of them and third I can't recall,probably because I never came across it! And yet nobody gets lost.Well not forever anyway....A miracle!
Now Big Brown and co wan't to gather every e-mail and text and phonecall and, and, and....Why the fascination,they've never insisted on reading and storing every snail mail ever sent.Why?... as an old old friend of mine once said..."Because they can!" Arthur C Clark and the waller who invented the binary system have got a lot to answer for! I wonder what this gargantuan computer might be called.BIG BROWN maybe.From trilobites to kilobytes... did we really come all this way just to be spied upon?

Drug Stabbing Time

2008-07-17T13:09:00.000-07:00

I don't know why but I've always had a soft spot for The Tour De France.It's not rational since I find Formula 1 incredibly boring.So what is it about cycling around France in the glorious sunshine.Maybe it's because I also love driving around France in the glorious sunshine.Well today, amidst the annual drug furore that seems to overshadow the tour these days,Mark Cavendish (a Manxman with a scouse accent) became the first Englishman to win three stages in a tour ever! Drugs and cycling have always seemed to go hand in handlebar since the sixties.In fact Lord Roby was first introduced to 'substances' by an amateur cyclist f(r)iend.My pushers cycling collegues who were, either semi-pro or pro cyclists, all had jars full of the stuff!
Another thing that attracts me to the Tour is the madness of it all and the levels of fitness required just to compete.I'd be hard pushed to drive the course in the same time.
A particular tour hero is/was Tom Simpson,shown dying above.Tom literally rode himself to death on Mount Ventoux on a scorching hot 13th Stage on the 13th of July 1967.As well as drinking brandy 'en route' he also ingested some amphetamines for good measure. This coupled with a stomach bug and allied to the fact that the Tour organisers in those days only allowed 2 litres of water to combat dehydration, lead to Toms slow asphyxiation as he approached the summit.Not one to give up; his last words as the bike went sideways instead of forwards were 'Go on,go on!'

White Flag.

2008-07-16T15:22:00.000-07:00

The flags were flying at half mast outside Quaff Castle today as,at the11th Hour of the 16th Day of July..... Lord Roby became the first in a generation to join the proletariet by 'signing on'.There was almost a reprieve at 8:30 that very morning when the phone rang.It was the outcome of a job interview, the day before in Winsford,Cheshire.The message..."You have all the skills required,and obviously now your stuff....but you where a little nervous during the interview, so I'm going to think about it!" Just what do you have to do to satisfy these people? This knock-back was up there with a previous one that accused me of lacking 'sparkle'.I wasn't even applying for a job as the purveyor of Tinkerbelles pixie-dust pouch ; just one with the water board!
When this happens to me I start to get a tad paranoid.If there's no obvious reason for me not getting a job..What's the real reason? Being of scouse origin I am naturally thick skinned,because once we cross the city limits we are generally hated, mostly as a consequence of an over-zealous media.As Winston Churchill put it 'When one Englishman opens his mouth another one hates him' Or something to that effect.
Winsford you see was populated by refugee ,slum clearance, scousers in the late 60's and early 70's.This didn't go down too well with the local populace and for all I know these tensions still exist today.The problem is how do you prove it? You can't exactly pull the race card, even though it may be no different to any other type of discrimination.Are my suspicions correct? Will my potential employer really think about it?Is he asking his boys if they mind working with a scouser? Who knows....But somehow I think the opportunity has gone and I'll probably never really get to know why.So it's on to the next interview.....No Surrender!

What Do I Get?

2008-07-15T12:37:00.000-07:00

I heard the news today that footballer Ryan Giggs has received an honorary degree, for services to football and his charity work.A Masters degree no less. So it set me thinking.While I already have a degree, I have also been a loyal servant of Everton FC for almost 40 years now.Any recognition of this?...Do I get an honorary championship medal or even to toss the coin before the start of a game? Not a chance.
And as for charity work I would guess that the average punter buying a 'Big Issue' or a lotto scratchcard gives a bigger proportion of their income to charity than your average 'charitable' footballer.Given that the average 'charitable' footballer only has a double digit IQ, I would suggest that it's the University who are being charitable.What next a PH.D for Rooney and a Consultants role at Alder Hey,for services to Auld Slapper!

Its Quim Up North!

2008-07-14T15:20:00.000-07:00

Now I've travelled all over Western Europe and up and down the eastern seaboard of the US and wherever I've been I never see any girls to compare with the might of the scouse bird.Maybe it's genetic that I find local girls attractive ,you know propogation and all that.But then maybe it's just that they are head and shoulders above all other races.I am well qualified to judge....As Lady Roby once said to me "All you ever do is watch football and other women".Can't argue there then.Jennifer Ellison, shown above, as well as being a local lass is also a Toffee to boot.This has the added bonus that she would almost certainly get her kit ON in the bedroom.Now,this gentleman, doesn't normally prefer blondes ;but in this case I'm sure I could make an exception.Up the Toffees!

Don't Let It Pass You By

2008-07-12T08:42:00.000-07:00

Well the real Lodge-Day has finally arrived when all my fellow WASPS will toddle off to Southport to party.As a WASP,like most proddies,we do not take our religion very seriously.In fact to me it has always been a bit of a made- up religion without much substance.Also being a scientist and practising aethiest I don't pay much ,if any ,attention to it whatsoever.While many people no doubt do gain some solace from their faith;I get none. We've been up there and there is nothing.We've been down there and there is nothing(but more rocks and lava).At the end of the day we are all maggot shit!
As UB40 once sang "there's no one living on a higher high...don't let the only world you're ever going to live in pass you by".On that note I'm off out to live it up!

Oh Shit!

2008-07-11T15:22:00.000-07:00

As well as myself, my 16 daughter is also looking for some temporary work until she goes to college in September.To this end she applied for a temp job as a Cattery Assistant.90% of the job no doubt involves identifying and shovelling cat shit. The proprietor of the local cattery,a miserable jock,(are they all dour) promised to ring her back tonight.The gobshite didn't have the courage or the courtesy to do so.She is now distraught.Obviously she will have to learn to live with rejection.As my old dad used to say..."Life is like a shit sandwich...the more bread you have,the less shit you have to eat." Hopefully,one day, as heir to the Lord Roby estate she won't have to eat shit anymore.

Road to Ruin

2008-07-10T14:45:00.000-07:00

I've decided to start blogging today not because it's 'Lodge Day' but because It coincides with my first trip to the Labour Exchange since leaving school many, many, years ago.I think it's called JobCentre Plus nowadays.Where the Plus comes from God only knows! It all seems pretty damn negative to me.There doesn't seem to be much work out there for an over-qualified scientist,Evertonian with a penchant for fine wine.
I'm expecting a rough ride when I get to the JCP office.I don't know why ; I just am.I'm pretty sure that it won't resemble the one in 'Boys from the Blackstuff' but nonetheless I'm not looking forward to it.To me it represents failure.In over 33 years I've never 'signed on' before and this gives me an immense amount of pride.I'll keep you briefed from Quaff Castle,Two Dogs.